I am offically to fucking tired for this shit, im tired of going home to an empty house, im tired of fighting for my kids, im tired of struggling just to survive, im tired of living just to stay alive, im tired of feeling impotent, im tired of my fucked up issues preventing me from finding any, im tired of everyone having power over me, im tired of watching sjitheads a cunts get ahead while I fall behind. Fuck everything
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Parenthood
Please not, this is sorta a free form rant, might make sense might not, might offend, dont care
When did parenthood become an elective? When did it become ok to ship your children off to a relatives house because "they stress you out". How can you justify not caring or putting your desires and comfort above your kids?
I cannot and I will not let my kids feel that way. My kids, regardless of the circumstances, are my focus, they are everything to me and I find the way some parents are to be incomprehnsable.
Children are the future, you have all heard that but have you thought of that? Not what they may become, or if they become famous but the small things. Knowing that when your child is out he or she will be polite, courteous, kind, and thoughful.
Children pick up and emulate what they see, if they see a promiscuous mother who has told them she doesnt want to be thier mother that is something they will never, ever forget. If they have a father who breaks every promise, they will remember that.
So I'm back again to parents. If you can't be a parent, or you don't want to be there are choices, adoption, birth control, and even (although not something I would consider) abortion.
all of these would be better for a child then to be raised by an abusive (which is what you are when you ignore your kids, or put yourself before your children) parent. This goes for all parents. I myself have been a great father in my view, but I let my children suffer in an unstable abusive home for many many years and did nothing. I am correcting that now, but I always fear it came to late and to make matters worse it seems as if I'm attacked from every angle, anything to make me seem the bad parent, or to make others seem to be a better parent. I got some news for ya folks, most kids are not stupid, they know when you are bribing them, playing them, lying to them. They may not make a fuss about it, they are kids after all and as far as they are concerned you are the center of thier world. They will remember and they will grow up. Then you have to deal with the reprecussions of your actions.
The role of parent is a gift, and you can appreciate that gift for what it is, or you can resent that the gift requires work.
Note I understand there are circumstances that force parents to live apart from thier children, to these people I feel for you and this rant was not written for you, sorry. This is about the parents that willing choose to be a bad parent or role model, this is for the people that decide its better to kick your children out of the house so your boyfriend can move in, or that you need a triple tall mocha instead of a decent meal for the kids, or you need to get some new lingere instead of getting your kids glasses.
And to those parents i say wholeheartedly and with vigor, Fuck You, you are not worth the air you breathe and definatly don't deserve the unconditional love your children will give you until they mature.
When did parenthood become an elective? When did it become ok to ship your children off to a relatives house because "they stress you out". How can you justify not caring or putting your desires and comfort above your kids?
I cannot and I will not let my kids feel that way. My kids, regardless of the circumstances, are my focus, they are everything to me and I find the way some parents are to be incomprehnsable.
Children are the future, you have all heard that but have you thought of that? Not what they may become, or if they become famous but the small things. Knowing that when your child is out he or she will be polite, courteous, kind, and thoughful.
Children pick up and emulate what they see, if they see a promiscuous mother who has told them she doesnt want to be thier mother that is something they will never, ever forget. If they have a father who breaks every promise, they will remember that.
So I'm back again to parents. If you can't be a parent, or you don't want to be there are choices, adoption, birth control, and even (although not something I would consider) abortion.
all of these would be better for a child then to be raised by an abusive (which is what you are when you ignore your kids, or put yourself before your children) parent. This goes for all parents. I myself have been a great father in my view, but I let my children suffer in an unstable abusive home for many many years and did nothing. I am correcting that now, but I always fear it came to late and to make matters worse it seems as if I'm attacked from every angle, anything to make me seem the bad parent, or to make others seem to be a better parent. I got some news for ya folks, most kids are not stupid, they know when you are bribing them, playing them, lying to them. They may not make a fuss about it, they are kids after all and as far as they are concerned you are the center of thier world. They will remember and they will grow up. Then you have to deal with the reprecussions of your actions.
The role of parent is a gift, and you can appreciate that gift for what it is, or you can resent that the gift requires work.
Note I understand there are circumstances that force parents to live apart from thier children, to these people I feel for you and this rant was not written for you, sorry. This is about the parents that willing choose to be a bad parent or role model, this is for the people that decide its better to kick your children out of the house so your boyfriend can move in, or that you need a triple tall mocha instead of a decent meal for the kids, or you need to get some new lingere instead of getting your kids glasses.
And to those parents i say wholeheartedly and with vigor, Fuck You, you are not worth the air you breathe and definatly don't deserve the unconditional love your children will give you until they mature.
Come on!
So, what makes people think they can be rude, insulting, and cruel and still get what they want from you? It makes very little sense to me. Point in case, I was asked by someone I know, not a friend but someone in my life that has been there and will be there for awhile yet, to use my car. Now I had no issue letting her use my car, she had just had surgery and needed transportation. I said yes, well she decided to be rude, no real reason, just an insulting reply to a text. But I decided, sorry, if you want help from me you have to at least pretend to have respect, and no you cannot use my car.
This caused her to sort of flip, like 20 text messages, 15 or so phone calls, and at least 5 emails in an hour or so, all telling me I was a bad man, or I fucked up, or I don't know what I did.
Lets see if I can get this right, you asked me for the use of my car, I said yes, you became rude, I changed my mind. Is there really more to it? Maybe, just maybe, you should try to be kind, nice, civil, keep your toxic tongue still?
So what makes some people think this way? It goes along with the rest of my rants on society today. Once someone gets what they want there is no need to be nice.
Common courtesy folks, ask the people that are there to support you, wives, boyfriends, family, friends for help. don't ask a friend and then treat the friend like crap. Civillity, its whats not for dinner.
If the majority of people just kept some things in mind when interacting with people I think the world would flow slightly better.
This caused her to sort of flip, like 20 text messages, 15 or so phone calls, and at least 5 emails in an hour or so, all telling me I was a bad man, or I fucked up, or I don't know what I did.
Lets see if I can get this right, you asked me for the use of my car, I said yes, you became rude, I changed my mind. Is there really more to it? Maybe, just maybe, you should try to be kind, nice, civil, keep your toxic tongue still?
So what makes some people think this way? It goes along with the rest of my rants on society today. Once someone gets what they want there is no need to be nice.
Common courtesy folks, ask the people that are there to support you, wives, boyfriends, family, friends for help. don't ask a friend and then treat the friend like crap. Civillity, its whats not for dinner.
If the majority of people just kept some things in mind when interacting with people I think the world would flow slightly better.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Adult Fun!
I was talking to a friend today and decribed a recent "possible encounter". So I put an ad on craigslist, got a ton of spam and 1 real person that wanted me to drive to a 7-11 near her house, since she was going there to get more beer anyways, and she hoped I didnt mind she was buzzed. After consulting the clock and finding it to be 1am I told her I would pass for tonight and if she was still interested the next day to let me know.
This was the story i told my friend and was quite firmly told I need to open up, let go and stop labeling people (my labels come in a different rant). I flat out asked her if the same oppurtunity came up for her would she have done it. Her reply was yes, it would be an "adventure", whats wrong with some adult fun. I attempted to explain that the labels I use mean nothing, I just dont think I could go hopping into bed with someone unknown, that I doubted I would find someone like that attractive, unfortunatly the first thing that came out of my traitor mouth (traitor in more ways I care to go into at the moment) was "I'm a parent before an adult I guess" and it started getting all heated. Yes I shouldn't have said it, no I did not appologize for saying it. I tried to explain i would rather live the rest of my life knowing that if anyone looked at any part of it they would find it above reproach, I would like to stand by my values and not back down because its easier without them, I would rather live the rest of my life with no worries about someone finding this out about me, I would rather wait to make love then rush to have sex (instant gratifacation, yet another rant). I would rather take the time to decide if I am ok with what I am about to do and if I will still be ok with it down the road. Now this has nothing to do with judgement, it has to do with me, I find nothing wrong with casual sex, nothing wrong with adult fun, its just not me. I would always be worried, what if that last chick decides to start coming to my place, what if the girl before boils my ferret cuz she feels snubbed, what if the girl alst night has a psycho husband.
I was told that I was too picky and that I have a fucked up way of looking at the world, if you dont know I often say my values and morals were much more common in the 40's and 50's, I'm a bit isolated because of this, maybe I'll go into that another time, probably not.
She stated that if she had been picky she wouldn't have found the guy she is currently with...o.O I, myself, didnt find this to be a good argument but hey I'm not trying to judge here.
This is where I get to my question, when did this kind of attitude become acceptable? When did adult fun mean tossing away adult responsibility, maturity? Or am I just fucked up in beleiving that driving to some strangers house to have sex isn't the most responsible of activities, that parenthood comes before adult pleasures/fun, and that not every adult activity is a mature activity.
This was the story i told my friend and was quite firmly told I need to open up, let go and stop labeling people (my labels come in a different rant). I flat out asked her if the same oppurtunity came up for her would she have done it. Her reply was yes, it would be an "adventure", whats wrong with some adult fun. I attempted to explain that the labels I use mean nothing, I just dont think I could go hopping into bed with someone unknown, that I doubted I would find someone like that attractive, unfortunatly the first thing that came out of my traitor mouth (traitor in more ways I care to go into at the moment) was "I'm a parent before an adult I guess" and it started getting all heated. Yes I shouldn't have said it, no I did not appologize for saying it. I tried to explain i would rather live the rest of my life knowing that if anyone looked at any part of it they would find it above reproach, I would like to stand by my values and not back down because its easier without them, I would rather live the rest of my life with no worries about someone finding this out about me, I would rather wait to make love then rush to have sex (instant gratifacation, yet another rant). I would rather take the time to decide if I am ok with what I am about to do and if I will still be ok with it down the road. Now this has nothing to do with judgement, it has to do with me, I find nothing wrong with casual sex, nothing wrong with adult fun, its just not me. I would always be worried, what if that last chick decides to start coming to my place, what if the girl before boils my ferret cuz she feels snubbed, what if the girl alst night has a psycho husband.
I was told that I was too picky and that I have a fucked up way of looking at the world, if you dont know I often say my values and morals were much more common in the 40's and 50's, I'm a bit isolated because of this, maybe I'll go into that another time, probably not.
She stated that if she had been picky she wouldn't have found the guy she is currently with...o.O I, myself, didnt find this to be a good argument but hey I'm not trying to judge here.
This is where I get to my question, when did this kind of attitude become acceptable? When did adult fun mean tossing away adult responsibility, maturity? Or am I just fucked up in beleiving that driving to some strangers house to have sex isn't the most responsible of activities, that parenthood comes before adult pleasures/fun, and that not every adult activity is a mature activity.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
ok figuring this out
So slowly but surely I'm getting this, now if I didnt have the attention span of a senile ferret I could probably make this look good
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Muppets
I have got to say, with all my heart and the fury of a thousand suns, The Muppet Show, the classic one, rocks!! It is better then anything I have seen currently on TV and its OLD, and stars dusty muppets!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Ha!
Thats why I write that stuff, puts it into perspective. Not saying its not how I felt, or even still feel BUT it puts it into perspective.
I am alone, in some regards. I loathe waking up alone, I want so bad someone to turn to at random times with random thoughts, I want someone to massage my shoulders after a long day or who appreciates the casual foot massage she receives.
I am definitely not alone though, I have 3 of the most awesomesoss kids in history, I call some of the best people I have ever met friends, I have adopted nieces who light up when they hear my voice.
In no way am I alone, in fact I should consider myself blessed, what I have in the way of loved ones far outweighs what I lack.
I forgot this earlier and I'm sorry
I am alone, in some regards. I loathe waking up alone, I want so bad someone to turn to at random times with random thoughts, I want someone to massage my shoulders after a long day or who appreciates the casual foot massage she receives.
I am definitely not alone though, I have 3 of the most awesomesoss kids in history, I call some of the best people I have ever met friends, I have adopted nieces who light up when they hear my voice.
In no way am I alone, in fact I should consider myself blessed, what I have in the way of loved ones far outweighs what I lack.
I forgot this earlier and I'm sorry
So ya, all my planning, all my work is for nothing, nothing at all. I will not have my kids living with me, I have been ostrasized from the only family I have left, and my impressionable children no longer see me as any type of father figure. I will get evicted because I cannot afford a place I got for me and my kids alone, I will rarely see my children unless thier "family" needs a babysitter.
Its really hard to realize you have no family left, even your children are distanced. My marriage has destroyed the person I was leaving this scared shaking husk. I can't seem to understand social situations and fear the friends I have I have either hurt or will hurt, if they stick around long enough.
I have been cast aside by most people I have cared about in my life, how do I go on alone? How do I keep this exurberence, this need to create art, to myself. I feel I will go insane shortly if I don't find some sort of confidant or companion, someone I can count on giving me that hug when I get home from a bad day, someone to give the rose I just got to.
Its really hard to realize you have no family left, even your children are distanced. My marriage has destroyed the person I was leaving this scared shaking husk. I can't seem to understand social situations and fear the friends I have I have either hurt or will hurt, if they stick around long enough.
I have been cast aside by most people I have cared about in my life, how do I go on alone? How do I keep this exurberence, this need to create art, to myself. I feel I will go insane shortly if I don't find some sort of confidant or companion, someone I can count on giving me that hug when I get home from a bad day, someone to give the rose I just got to.
Alone, I am alone,
A crowded room only demonstrates
the depths of my solitude
I run off friends, I hurt lovers,
I destroy families.
I feel the loss, the theft of all
those I hold dear.
I feel the confusion radiating
from me like the heat of
a diseased fever.
The sickly stench of fear hanging like a putrid miasma.
I am alone, not for lack
of those who care,
But due to my sadistic need
to punish myself for past wrongs.
Imagined or real
Alone, I am alone.
A crowded room only demonstrates
the depths of my solitude
I run off friends, I hurt lovers,
I destroy families.
I feel the loss, the theft of all
those I hold dear.
I feel the confusion radiating
from me like the heat of
a diseased fever.
The sickly stench of fear hanging like a putrid miasma.
I am alone, not for lack
of those who care,
But due to my sadistic need
to punish myself for past wrongs.
Imagined or real
Alone, I am alone.
Lost
I am lost, so many feelings I do not understand. I know what I feel but is it real? Are these feelings correct? Are they wanted?
I know what I feel, my heart skips, I long for a touch, a word, a smile. I know fear again, but is it healthy? Is it fear to be overcome? Or is it all just mirages created by my fevered mind?
I know what I feel, my heart skips, I long for a touch, a word, a smile. I know fear again, but is it healthy? Is it fear to be overcome? Or is it all just mirages created by my fevered mind?
ya
The vile fingers of pain and loss caress my broken body, trailing a cold that burns and reminds me of my torment.
I scream questions at the merciless sky, the sun tainting everything red, like light filtering through a bloody window.
The dry knowledge of what was lost, of time and memories, feelings and emotions, loss and denial, sucks at the brightest parts of my soul leaving a diseased film.
My fevored mind projects my fears, rending thoughts, morals and compassion leaving behind a festering wound eager to spread its infection.
Demons with the faces of loved ones parade around, wielding degradation and insults like weapons.
Engulfed in a toxic cocoon, free to flee but unable to, my feet rooted by pain and longing, willing to bear any hell for the one touch, the one caress, the one caring word.
The pain of belonging outweighing the need of survival.
I scream questions at the merciless sky, the sun tainting everything red, like light filtering through a bloody window.
The dry knowledge of what was lost, of time and memories, feelings and emotions, loss and denial, sucks at the brightest parts of my soul leaving a diseased film.
My fevored mind projects my fears, rending thoughts, morals and compassion leaving behind a festering wound eager to spread its infection.
Demons with the faces of loved ones parade around, wielding degradation and insults like weapons.
Engulfed in a toxic cocoon, free to flee but unable to, my feet rooted by pain and longing, willing to bear any hell for the one touch, the one caress, the one caring word.
The pain of belonging outweighing the need of survival.
Society
I have social problems. I'm trying to conquer them, but they still exist. I will cancel our plans at the last moment, I will fail to return your calls, I will not contact you for weeks at a time.
This does not mean I don't care, or that I'm upset or angry. It means I have issues going on that I do not wish to burden you with, It means events are spiralling out of control in my mind and I must cope with them alone, in my own way.
It does not mean the email you sent went ignored, it means I currently do not know what to say, or that I do not appreciate the invitation to dinner, it means I think my presence may be detrimental. It means, in my current frame of mind, I care enough not to burden you with my problems, or I am unsure if my comments may hurt you.
I wish you could understand, to see the world as I do. I wish I could openly express my feelings and the love I feel but if I don't fully understand these feelings how could I expect you too.
This does not mean I don't care, or that I'm upset or angry. It means I have issues going on that I do not wish to burden you with, It means events are spiralling out of control in my mind and I must cope with them alone, in my own way.
It does not mean the email you sent went ignored, it means I currently do not know what to say, or that I do not appreciate the invitation to dinner, it means I think my presence may be detrimental. It means, in my current frame of mind, I care enough not to burden you with my problems, or I am unsure if my comments may hurt you.
I wish you could understand, to see the world as I do. I wish I could openly express my feelings and the love I feel but if I don't fully understand these feelings how could I expect you too.
Hi
Hi.
I made this blog to get the inane babbling out of my head, to have someplace to show off my crafts, and for me to rant, cry, berate, and rage, and post the links I seem to like.
Don't like it oh well
Peace
I made this blog to get the inane babbling out of my head, to have someplace to show off my crafts, and for me to rant, cry, berate, and rage, and post the links I seem to like.
Don't like it oh well
Peace
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