Thank you

I would like to start by saying thank you. You all, and you know who you are, may not beleive it but you saved me last night.  I have never been to a point this low in my life and thanks to you all I think I can still fight.
This is probably going to be long but I think I need to finally do it, get it out of me.
At the begining of the year me and my wife seperated after 14 years.  The seperation was horrible and things that happened hospitalized me for a bit.  I tried to stay with my wife, not emotionally but physically, to help care for the children (our kids had been living with thier alcoholic violent grandmother) but things wee done that i could not be around and the day after I left she shipped the kids back to her mother.
I spent a few months homeless, bouncing from place to place until I finally found my own apartment.
When I got the apartment the understanding was I would have the kids live with me so i got a 2 bedroom accross the street from an elementary school and a high school.
At about this time I let my wife use my car to ferry around the children, I did not know she had a warrent out for an unpaid ticket, she got pulled over and my car was inpounded for 30 day.  I was unable to afford the impound costs and lost my car.
About a week after that my ex tells me she has just gotten a new car and that she will be having the children live with her, 2 days later I got sued for child support.
I am in no way shy about paying child support, I am a bit irate over the fact that the state will help her get child support because she applied for state medical benifits for the kids instead of asking me to add them to my insurance (I had thought they were on her insurance).  I also found out that my oldest daughter was not only living with a friend of hers, but not even in the same city, yet my ex had filed for benifits and child support for all 3.
During this time I attempted to speak with my kids and I wasn't getting an answer.  Since the caregiver, her bf, is on morphine and had already threatened to shoot me I started to get nervous and called for a well check on my kids.  Since then my phone number has been blocked by my ex.
I then contacted the state to find out what my rights to my children are, and this is where I lost it.
I was informed that since me and my wife have not filed divorce ($300 I don't have) I have no recourse to make her let me see or talk to my children, they also stated that child support is based not on my available income, but is based on my gross pay with no account taken of my bills, in order to change it I would have to have a hearing in front of a judge saying I cant afford child support, will not be pretty.
Last weekend I was suppose to get all 3 of my kids, I was told by my ex that she couldn't get ahold of our oldest daughter so I can have them next weekend.
What is killing me is I have no idea what is happening with my kids, no email, txt, voicemail I leave or send is answered.  My number is now blocked (because she feels harrassed when I talk to her, funny when I call for my kids she should be at work as far as I know) and I can talk to my boy if I happen to see him online playing a game.
As it stands I havent heard or seen my oldest daughter in over a month, I have no idea where she is living, who she is living with.  I havent spoken to my 2 youngest in 2 weeks.  I have to somehow pay $700 before oct 27th or face possible jail time for driving without insurance and on a suspended lic (I was stupid and tried to drive a block after not driving for 2 years because my wife had just had surgery on her foot).  I cannot afford divorce ($280 in Snohomish county wa) so I have no ability to force my wife to let me see or contact my children.  I can't really afford food and cant get a 2nd job (I commute 90 minutes each way to work and work 8:30 - 5:30 mon - fri).  I have no family to help or discuss or lean on.

There is alot more to this, I used to equate my seperation as a mix up of a bad anal porn and jerry springer with a dash of Hallmark tossed in for good measure, but I have to end here.

Thank you again.

Team Fortress part Deux

History of Team Fortress

Well here comes the history of the game, at least what I know of the history, as well as the differences in game play.

QWTF  

Quakeworld TeamFortress started as a Mod for Quake in 1996 and soon found a large following.  Unlike the other first person shooters of the day Team Fortress had multiple classes with set weapons and team based goals requiring both offense and defense during a match or game.
You could tweak with almost any setting from the motion when moving to packet size as well as create custom configs and alias's.
One of the major differences between QWTF and Quake were the use of grenades, every class had 2 types of grenades, usually a normal frag and then a 2nd unique to the class you were playing.  It was something back in the day to have your grenades timed to the point you could pop em in the face of an enemy, I myself have a timer .wav associated with my grenades so I knew how long I had.
Classes also had "special abilities" that were unique to the class, Scouts could disarm detpack, demomen could place detpacks, engineers could refill armor and medic could refill health.  I will go into the special abilities more when I get to classes.

TFC    

Team Fortress Classic was a mod for Half-Life 1.  If I remember right and from what I have read and been told TFC was basically the same as QWTF except for graphics and maps.  Again I didn't play this one so I am going to move on to the latest and greatest of the Team Fortress Franchise.

Team Fortress 2    

TF2 is loosely based on the original TF, updated versions of alot of the original maps, the same classes with the same basic roles.  And that is where the similarities end.
TF2 is a stand alone game created by Valve based on the Half-Life 2 engine.  It has the same classes as the previous versions and adds a number of different types of play (CTF,Attack/Defend, KOTH, Arena, Payload, Payload Race, etc).  This version also sees the removal of grenades and "special abilities" but adds 2 new elements previously not seen, item drops and inventory/trading.
In TF2 each class has a series of weapons that can be found while playing, found in crates which need a key to open, traded from other players, or purchased at the online store "Mann Co".  Each item has pros and cons when equiped and some items are part of a set, which when completed confer even more bonuses.
You can also pick up what I consider vanity items, these do nothing for you per say, no bonuses, no negatives, but customize you player.  I wear this on my pyro and this on my engineer and have this on all my guys.  These items are highly sought after but generally do nothing. Think of hats, thats what the main items are.

This is the basis for the various incarnations of Team Fortress, Next I will go onto classes.

Team Fortress Baby!!

Now for Team Fortress.  If you know me you know I have loved the game of Team Fortress for 15 years.  I started playing the quake mod of Team Fortress on QuakeWorld back around 1997, was in a number of competative "clans" or teams.

To start with I'm going to toss up some videos, first up is the QuakeWorld Team Fortress Video.

QWTF



And here is a Team Fortress Classic, Can't find a trailer exactly and I never really played TFC so here you go.



And finally Team Fortress 2, will do the medic video since I mainly play medic




Tommorow I go into the game play and history

Wed Playlist

Decided to do a spam of music on wed on my social sites, prolly annoyed alot of people but oh well.  I will put down the playlist for 9/14/11 here... YAYA


Wait and Bleed - Slipknot
Killing Moon - Echo & The Bunnymen
Hip Hop - Static X & Dead Prez
(sic) - Slipknot
Rebel Yell - Billy Idol
Chaos A.D. - Sepultura
Nymphetamine Fix - Cradle of Filth
The Bomb - Neuroticfish
What Happened to You - The Offspring
Revolution - Authority Zero
Don't Touch Me - Brak
The Line Begins To Blur - NiN
In Waves - Trivium
Wish I Had An Angel - Nightwish
Entropy - MC Hawking
Who Do I Turn Too - Sammy Davis Jr.
The Bleeding - 5 Finger Death Punch
Can I pplay With Madness - Iron Maiden
Ramblin Man - Waylon Jennings
Scolding Wife - Great Big Sea
Decending Angel - Misfits
War of the Gods - Amon Amarth
Castles Made of Sand - Jimi Hendrix
Wind Cries Mary - Jimi Hendrix
The Kids Are Quiet on Sharmon Palms - Lars Frederiksen & The Bastards
Fear of the Dark - Iron Maiden
Can't Rain All The Time - Jane Siberry
Touch of Red - In Flames
Snap Your Fingers Snap Your Neck - Prong
Sugar - System of a Down
Green Hell - Misfits
Weird Science - Oingo Boingo
Albatross - C.O.C.
Ain't That A Kick In The Head - Dean Martin
Drink and Fight - Dropkick Murphys
I dont care - Apocalyptica
Session - The Offspring
She Blinded me With Science - Thomas Dolby
The Things That Hate Us - Atmosphere
I Died for You - Iced Earth
Brackish - Kittie
Ace of Spades - Motorhead
1812 Overture - Tchaikovsky
Halo - Soil
Too Many Puppies - Primus
Supermagic - Mos Def
Manic Depression - Jimi Hendreix
Live or Die free - (hed) pe
Find Your Way - Authority Zero
Looking Out My Back Door - CCR
Helter Skelter - Beatles
Me and Bobby Mcgee - Janis Joplin
Live before I die - Social Distortion
Asphole - Pigface
Spicy Mchaggis Jig - Dropkick Murphys
New Disease - Spineshank
Simple Man - Simple Man
8 Million Stories - A Tribe Called Quest
Luciano Pavarotti - Ave Maria
Fake It - Seether
Fette's Vette - MC Chris
marilyn manson - Cake and Sodomy
jesus jones right here right now
BIG PUN - Still Not a Player
Bro Hymn - Pennywise
the battle of evermore - led zepplin
Me First And The Gimme Gimmes ~ Somewhere over the rainbow
Story of my Life - Social Distortion
Rime of the Ancient Mariner - Iron Maiden

TF2

Stressful weekend, stressful day, so just going to toss up some TF2 screenshots.  In case you don't know, TeamFortress 2 is a free to play FPS.  Team fortress started as a mod for Quake 15 years ago or so.  I was playing back then, was in a clan, Blood of the Fold [FOLD], and had a great time.  Well its still going, free to play, and awesome soss.
If you play or happen to start playing right now my in game name is ( . )( . ).

Meh part deux

Meh yet again, slow day, pissy mood, don't really know what to write about so I'm going to just put some pic I found and a link to the full site.  I'm not going to tell you whats up with this, look at the 3 pics I selected and check out the link :)

Check out the rest of the pictures here

Welfare

In case you haven't noticed I have no real theme or reason for my blog, just a place for me to rant, put up cool things I find, and generally just sorta blah.

Today I shall rant a bit.

Food stamps, Cash assistance, welfare.  I have to say all these programs are helpfull, usefull, more then likely save some lives.  But not everyone who has these benifits needs them, and you and I are the ones paying for it.  I am really sick of seeing people walk into a 7-11 and buy stuff with food stamps, frozen pizzas, sandwiches (as long as they aren't cooked there!) candy.  Or how bout at the grocery store, I get my ground hamburger and rice and pray it lasts me till I can get more, they get lobster, steak, name brand everything.  How the hell does that work?  They have no money for food so the state pays to feed em surf and turf and ben and jerrys ice cream?  Simple idea here, make them cook the food they get, have a list of what they can get (seafood, can get a catfish fillet or tuna fish for almost nothing.  Candy, soda, ice cream, sandwiches, all those items, any food product that is not healthy, should not be purchasable with food stamps.  Name brands should not be purchasable.  There should be a price cap on what you can buy.
People seem to forget, they are on food stamps because they claim to not be able to afford food, if they are buying T-bones and $8 a pound lunch meat from the deli, well that might be why.
What food stamps have allowed is people to live beyond their means.  How does this help anyone, take away food stamps and all of a sudden they can't afford food again.
Then you get to the food stamp fraud.  I don't get out much, but I know 2 seperate individuals who are currently commiting fraud.  One is getting food stamps and cash assistance for 3 kids, she only has 2, she pawned her 3rd one off on her mom and then on one of her kids friends, kid doesnt even live in the same city as her mom yet we are paying for food stamps for her as well as cash assistance.  I note about this one, 4 people in the household, 2 kids, 1 guy who doesn't work, and her, she calls in sick 2-3 times a week to go to seattle and smoke weed, when she runs out of weed she gets sick and has to call in sick and get more weed.  We are paying for this ladies food as well as giving her pot money.  I don't know about you but I have to pay for all my vices and I can't even call out sick when I am actually sick because I can't afford it.
The second lady (wow is this a theme here with ladies) I won't go into, don't know enough and none of my buisness, suffice it to say she is getting assistance from the state while planning an island wedding.
Here's what I'm going to do, call me a dick, call me an asshole but the fact is, if you know someone commiting fraud, turn them in, WE, the taxpayers, are the ones paying for this, this is the type of behaviour that will destroy our welfare system, and all of these people commiting fraud are taking resources from those who truely need it, they are literally taking the food out of the mouths of babes because of thier own selfish lazy desires.
I have reported the fraud I know about, if your in WA state and know of someone doing this call 1-800-562-6906, other states look for your welfare fraud hotline, guessing they have one.
Rant mode end:

Pic Time!!!!

Ok and now for pics I've found/downloaded/seen

HA I love random pics

Top Shot

Sooo.  I've been watching Top Shot from the History Channel and I have to say its really fun to watch.  I'm watching season 2 on Netflix (no tv service so I'm either behind or watching whatever on Hulu).
The concept is pretty cool, buncha people go on a reality show and shoot shit with weapons, guns, bows, hatchets.  They are in 2 teams and have to compete on various challenges.  I'm about halfway through season 2 and some of the challenges look really fun (Last one I saw they had to split a bullet from a 1911 on an axehead).

I would love to get on this show :)  just to fire weapons in these challenges.  I'm currently rooting for Ashley (huge tattoo covered air force special ops trainer that sounds like Ghandi when he talks) just cuz I think he has the best attitude.

Check it, I know seasons 1 and 2 are on Netflix currently and season 3 is on Hulu

Reset..

O)k starting over on this thing.  Going to start by posting something I found cool and want to try, not sure when but don't think it will be that hard, just tedious but well worth it if it works.

Rainbow Rose

The article tells you how to do it, and says you can also do it with other flowers, think I will try one of the easier to handle flowers first.

Could you imagine having one of these in your window <Smile>

Half finished thoughts

I find the hardest part about my seperation is the children. A frenzy of emotions run through me when I think about it.  How will I provide for my children alone?  How will I make an impact on thier life if I'm not the one going to family events with thier mother?  Will they resent me for what has happened?  I ask myself so many questions, some I know the answer too, most I don't.  I am scared everyday that I am losing my kids, I worry every day about how they are doing, I cry every night when I know someone else is tucking them in.  All I can do is move forward, trust my judgement and beleive that I will be a good father,

Quotes I like

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
— Jim Henson

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living."
— Dr. Seuss

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
— Marilyn Monroe

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."
— Friedrich Nietzsche

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
— Thomas A. Edison

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
— Mother Teresa

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
— C.S. Lewis

"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people."
— Eleanor Roosevelt

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
— Douglas Adams

"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not."
— André Gide

"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."
— William Shakespeare

"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment."
— Sarah Dessen

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
— Theodore Roosevelt

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
— Anaïs Nin

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one."
— Bill Gates

"Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere."
— Albert Einstein

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."
— Neil Gaiman

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
— Lao Tzu

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
— Dr. Seuss

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
— George Eliot

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."
— Pablo Neruda

"If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself."
— Albert Einstein

"I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library."
— Jorge Luis Borges

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"I love mankind, it's people I can't stand."
— Charles M. Schulz

"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain."
— Bob Marley

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you."
— A.A. Milne

"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."
— Mother Teresa

"If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales."
— Albert Einstein

"People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be."
— Abraham Lincoln

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted."
— John Lennon

"I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.."
— Nicholas Sparks

red

red rage flows through my viens
my mind casting itself against the rocks of confusion
there is no balance, no compromise, no give and take
reality requires from me actions I am incapable of performing, words I am incapable of saying
I was once told you get what you deserve
what did I do to deserve this

Responsible

re·spon·si·ble adj.
1. Liable to be required to give account, as of one's actions or of the discharge of a duty or trust.
2. Involving personal accountability or ability to act without guidance or superior authority
3. Able to make moral or rational decisions on one's own and therefore answerable for one's behavior.
4. Able to be trusted or depended upon; reliable
5. Having the means to pay debts or fulfill obligations.
6. Required to render account; answerable

I am really tired of having this word shoved in my face so I will address it as I currently stand.  I have been irresponsible, I have been a bum, I can make excuses and give reason but i won't, I will just move on.

1: I take responsibility and hold myself accountable for all my actions, both past and present and will continue to do so, in fact I feel the lack of personal accountability to be one of the issues of todays society.

2: I work, both profesionally and personally, without supervision. LOL I live alone and manage all my household chores without someone telling me to, at work I handle my work load and ask for more again on my own.  This one sorta makes me giggle.

3: I feel my decisions recently have been both moral and rational.  I have taken every chance I can to help those who have hurt me, I have make every effort to choose a moral and "right" approach with my children regarding our families current issues.  Again I have had set back, I have not always acted like this and recently, within the last 6 months, I have been irrational at times and made bad decisions, see #1.

4: I feel I am trustworthy and reliable.  I would not be the one to comment on this so will just have to say I make every effort to do what I say I'm going to do, I make every effort keep my word, and I make every effort to honor trust that is given me.

5: All my debts, well my cable bill is behind, are paid, I have the means to pay them and I do.  I budget my money, granted not real well recently but its getting better, and have found that after some changes I generally have some spending money.  Kinda funny how I lose income and seem to have more money. hmmmm <dr evil look>

6: I have already addressed.

So As far as I can tell I am responsible, hasn't always been that way but it is now, so stop trying to rub my nose in a pile that isn't mine.

Adult Children

Why must I deal with adult children?  What has happened to dealing with your issues or problems or responsibilities and when did ignoring them become an option?
Seriously folks what is so hard to understand here?  Someone asks you a question you don't really want to answer, well as far as i can tell you have a number of options off the top of my head, answer the question and get it over with, tell the person you don't want to answer the question and not to ask it, tell the person you will answer later, answer the dumb question... Notice, ignore the person didn't make the short list.  Here is what i have seen from personal experience.
1:Ask someone a question
2:the someone doesn't like the question, doesn't want to answer the question, or doesn't want to tell you the answer to the question
3:the asker, receiving no reply, asks again (and depending on how important the asker feels the question is this could turn to frustration which could lead to bad stuff)
4:again ignore
5:viscious cycle repeats until someone gets pissed.
Example, Asked the mother of my children if I could have my monitor back and the pawn slip so I can get the xbox (please note I have her monitor, a cheapy, she has my monitor 1080p with multiple video inputs, as well as our 40" tv, she likes to be able to play on her pc and watch tv at the same time, I have no tv at all and cant hook her moinitor to anything but a pc. I would really like something for my children when I see them on the weekends). She suggested I hang with the children at her place since she has everything.
She doesnt like the fact I told her there was someone I wanted my kids to meet and stops talking.  So at this point I have no idea if she is going to continue holding my monitor hostage, if my xbox has defaulted in the pawn shop, if I'm suppose to bring the kids over to her place, etc.  This is a big deal to me as I get frustrated when I think I'm not doing everything I can for my kids, and I feel that this is something so simple and dumb, trading the monitor would do nothing, her PC cant even use my monitor effectivly, except allow me to hook up other things to the monitor so My kids have options when they come over, oh and her bf won't be able to play ps3 when she's watching tv (is this leading to a me me me rant).
No reply no idea whats going on, nothing, which frustrates me.
Now here is what her ignoring the issue has done when you break it down
A:I am frustrated to the point of pulling out my hair, I'm confused because it seems like such a simple thing, I'm hurt because it feels like she is trying to punish me but only hurting her children, and I have texted her and her mother way too many times attempting to get an answer
B:She is hurting her children and causing pain to people for no reason other then she doesn't want to deal, wants to hurt me, wants power, whatever her reason is. (not easy guessing what someone who is slightly insane is thinking)
C:My kids suffer, thier parents have yet another rift driven between them, they will be without that comfort (ya thats not alot but it is there and a big deal to a kid), the kids mother shows a sorta callousness towards them that is completly unfathomable.
So looking at this as far as I can tell the kids suffer, not me (not alot at least) and not her (not at all).  Moral of my rant?  Beats me, take care of your shit, face your responsibilities, its always easier and better to deal then run. And remember your kids, and that your comforts, your wants, your desires do NOT come before those of your children.

walls

walls rise protecting me from pain but blocking the light,
the comfort of mental bricks and mortar of misery sealing me within,
no touch, no sight, no sound, alone,
the only way to keep what little bits of fragmented sanity remaining,
blind and alone, pain, misery, regret and longing my companions,
old friends, my only family as I try to fight a losing battle against myself.

Paper Cutting Tools

http://www.chinaartworld.com.cn/386-Paper+Cutting+Tools+Set.html

Really want these, would help :)

Life

meh

I won't treat you like crap, I won't lie to you, I will never cheat on you, I will always listen to you, I will always keep an open mind, I will always love you, I will be there for you, I will help you, I will care for you, I will never degrade or debase you.

For some reason these qualities make me unattractive

Tired

I am offically to fucking tired for this shit, im tired of going home to an empty house, im tired of fighting for my kids, im tired of struggling just to survive, im tired of living just to stay alive, im tired of feeling impotent, im tired of my fucked up issues preventing me from finding any, im tired of everyone having power over me, im tired of watching sjitheads a cunts get ahead while I fall behind. Fuck everything

Parenthood

Please not, this is sorta a free form rant, might make sense might not, might offend, dont care



When did parenthood become an elective?  When did it become ok to ship your children off to a relatives house because "they stress you out".  How can you justify not caring or putting your desires and comfort above your kids?
I cannot and I will not let my kids feel that way.  My kids, regardless of the circumstances, are my focus, they are everything to me and I find the way some parents are to be incomprehnsable.
Children are the future, you have all heard that but have you thought of that?  Not what they may become, or if they become famous but the small things.  Knowing that when your child is out he or she will be polite, courteous, kind, and thoughful.
Children pick up and emulate what they see, if they see a promiscuous mother who has told them she doesnt want to be thier mother that is something they will never, ever forget.  If they have a father who breaks every promise, they will remember that.
So I'm back again to parents.  If you can't be a parent, or you don't want to be there are choices, adoption, birth control, and even (although not something I would consider) abortion.
all of these would be better for a child then to be raised by an abusive (which is what you are when you ignore your kids, or put yourself before your children) parent.  This goes for all parents.  I myself have been a great father in my view, but I let my children suffer in an unstable abusive home for many many years and did nothing.  I am correcting that now, but I always fear it came to late and to make matters worse it seems as if I'm attacked from every angle, anything to make me seem the bad parent, or to make others seem to be a better parent.  I got some news for ya folks, most kids are not stupid, they know when you are bribing them, playing them, lying to them.  They may not make a fuss about it, they are kids after all and as far as they are concerned you are the center of thier world.  They will remember and they will grow up.  Then you have to deal with the reprecussions of your actions.
The role of parent is a gift, and you can appreciate that gift for what it is, or you can resent that the gift requires work.
Note I understand there are circumstances that force parents to live apart from thier children, to these people I feel for you and this rant was not written for you, sorry.  This is about the parents that willing choose to be a bad parent or role model, this is for the people that decide its better to kick your children out of the house so your boyfriend can move in, or that you need a triple tall mocha instead of a decent meal for the kids, or you need to get some new lingere instead of getting your kids glasses.
And to those parents i say wholeheartedly and with vigor, Fuck You, you are not worth the air you breathe and definatly don't deserve the unconditional love your children will give you until they mature.

Come on!

So, what makes people think they can be rude, insulting, and cruel and still get what they want from you?  It makes very little sense to me.  Point in case, I was asked by someone I know, not a friend but someone in my life that has been there and will be there for awhile yet, to use my car.  Now I had no issue letting her use my car, she had just had surgery and needed transportation.  I said yes, well she decided to be rude, no real reason, just an insulting reply to a text.  But I decided, sorry, if you want help from me you have to at least pretend to have respect, and no you cannot use my car.
This caused her to sort of flip, like 20 text messages, 15 or so phone calls, and at least 5 emails in an hour or so, all telling me I was a bad man, or I fucked up, or I don't know what I did.
Lets see if I can get this right, you asked me for the use of my car, I said yes, you became rude, I changed my mind.  Is there really more to it?  Maybe, just maybe, you should try to be kind, nice, civil, keep your toxic tongue still?
So what makes some people think this way?  It goes along with the rest of my rants on society today.  Once someone gets what they want there is no need to be nice.
Common courtesy folks, ask the people that are there to support you, wives, boyfriends, family, friends for help.  don't ask a friend and then treat the friend like crap.  Civillity, its whats not for dinner.
If the majority of people just kept some things in mind when interacting with people I think the world would flow slightly better.

Adult Fun!

I was talking to a friend today and decribed a recent "possible encounter".  So I put an ad on craigslist, got a ton of spam and 1 real person that wanted me to drive to a 7-11 near her house, since she was going there to get more beer anyways, and she hoped I didnt mind she was buzzed.  After consulting the clock and finding it to be 1am I told her I would pass for tonight and if she was still interested the next day to let me know.
  This was the story i told my friend and was quite firmly told I need to open up, let go and stop labeling people (my labels come in a different rant).  I flat out asked her if the same oppurtunity came up for her would she have done it.  Her reply was yes, it would be an "adventure", whats wrong with some adult fun.  I attempted to explain that the labels I use mean nothing, I just dont think I could go hopping into bed with someone unknown, that I doubted I would find someone like that attractive, unfortunatly the first thing that came out of my traitor mouth (traitor in more ways I care to go into at the moment) was "I'm a parent before an adult I guess" and it started getting all heated. Yes I shouldn't have said it, no I did not appologize for saying it.  I tried to explain i would rather live the rest of my life knowing that if anyone looked at any part of it they would find it above reproach, I would like to stand by my values and not back down because its easier without them, I would rather live the rest of my life with no worries about someone finding this out about me, I would rather wait to make love then rush to have sex (instant gratifacation, yet another rant).  I would rather take the time to decide if I am ok with what I am about to do and if I will still be ok with it down the road.  Now this has nothing to do with judgement, it has to do with me, I find nothing wrong with casual sex, nothing wrong with adult fun, its just not me.  I would always be worried, what if that last chick decides to start coming to my place, what if the girl before boils my ferret cuz she feels snubbed, what if the girl alst night has a psycho husband.
I was told that I was too picky and that I have a fucked up way of looking at the world, if you dont know I often say my values and morals were much more common in the 40's and 50's, I'm a bit isolated because of this, maybe I'll go into that another time, probably not.
She stated that if she had been picky she wouldn't have found the guy she is currently with...o.O I, myself, didnt find this to be a good argument but hey I'm not trying to judge here.
This is where I get to my question, when did this kind of attitude become acceptable?  When did adult fun mean tossing away adult responsibility, maturity?  Or am I just fucked up in beleiving that driving to some strangers house to have sex isn't the most responsible of activities, that parenthood comes before adult pleasures/fun, and that not every adult activity is a mature activity.

ok figuring this out

So slowly but surely I'm getting this, now if I didnt have the attention span of a senile ferret I could probably make this look good

Between The Folds

http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/between-the-folds/

Muppets

I have got to say, with all my heart and the fury of a thousand suns,  The Muppet Show, the classic one, rocks!!  It is better then anything I have seen currently on TV and its OLD, and stars dusty muppets!!

Ha!

Thats why I write that stuff, puts it into perspective.  Not saying its not how I felt, or even still feel BUT it puts it into perspective.
I am alone, in some regards.  I loathe waking up alone, I want so bad someone to turn to at random times with random thoughts, I want someone to massage my shoulders after a long day or who appreciates the casual foot massage she receives.
I am definitely not alone though, I have 3 of the most awesomesoss kids in history, I call some of the best people I have ever met friends, I have adopted nieces who light up when they hear my voice.
In no way am I alone, in fact I should consider myself blessed, what I have in the way of loved ones far outweighs what I lack.
I forgot this earlier and I'm sorry

So ya, all my planning, all my work is for nothing, nothing at all.  I will not have my kids living with me, I have been ostrasized from the only family I have left, and my impressionable children no longer see me as any type of father figure.  I will get evicted because I cannot afford a place I got for me and my kids alone, I will rarely see my children unless thier "family" needs a babysitter.
Its really hard to realize you have no family left, even your children are distanced.  My marriage has destroyed the person I was leaving this scared shaking husk.  I can't seem to understand social situations and fear the friends I have I have either hurt or will hurt, if they stick around long enough.
I have been cast aside by most people I have cared about in my life, how do I go on alone?  How do I keep this exurberence, this need to create art, to myself.  I feel I will go insane shortly if I don't find some sort of confidant or companion, someone I can count on giving me that hug when I get home from a bad day, someone to give the rose I just got to.

Alone, I am alone,
A crowded room only demonstrates
  the depths of my solitude
I run off friends, I hurt lovers,
  I destroy families.
I feel the loss, the theft of all
  those I hold dear.
I feel the confusion radiating
  from me like the heat of
  a diseased fever.
The sickly stench of fear hanging     like a putrid miasma.
I am alone, not for lack
  of those who care,
But due to my sadistic need
  to punish myself for past wrongs.
Imagined or real
Alone, I am alone.

Lost

I am lost, so many feelings I do not understand.  I know what I feel but is it real?  Are these feelings correct?  Are they wanted?
I know what I feel, my heart skips, I long for a touch, a word, a smile.  I know fear again, but is it healthy?  Is it fear to be overcome?  Or is it all just mirages created by my fevered mind?

ya

The vile fingers of pain and loss caress my broken body, trailing a cold that burns and reminds me of my torment.
I scream questions at the merciless sky, the sun tainting everything red, like light filtering through a bloody window.
The dry knowledge of what was lost, of time and memories, feelings and emotions, loss and denial, sucks at the brightest parts of my soul leaving a diseased film.
My fevored mind projects my fears, rending thoughts, morals and compassion leaving behind a festering wound eager to spread its infection.
Demons with the faces of loved ones parade around, wielding degradation and insults like weapons.
Engulfed in a toxic cocoon, free to flee but unable to, my feet rooted by pain and longing, willing to bear any hell for the one touch, the one caress, the one caring word.
The pain of belonging outweighing the need of survival.

Society

I have social problems.  I'm trying to conquer them, but they still exist.  I will cancel our plans at the last moment, I will fail to return your calls, I will not contact you for weeks at a time.
     This does not mean I don't care, or that I'm upset or angry.  It means I have issues going on that I do not wish to burden you with,  It means events are spiralling out of control in my mind and I must cope with them alone, in my own way.
     It does not mean the email you sent went ignored, it means I currently do not know what to say, or that I do not appreciate the invitation to dinner, it means I think my presence may be detrimental.  It means, in my current frame of mind, I care enough not to burden you with my problems, or I am unsure if my comments may hurt you.
    I wish you could understand, to see the world as I do.  I wish I could openly express my feelings and the love I feel but if I don't fully understand these feelings how could I expect you too.

Hi

Hi.

I made this blog to get the inane babbling out of my head, to have someplace to show off my crafts, and for me to rant, cry, berate, and rage, and post the links I seem to like.

Don't like it oh well

Peace